If You Buy One of These “Realistic” Sex Dolls, I’m Flaming You Forever

Look, I’ve finally reached my ceiling of tolerance with some of you filthy niggas.

Within the last couple weeks, I’ve seen more pictures of sex dolls – along with declarations of what black dudes would like to do to these dolls – poison my social media feeds than I would care for. The trend would suggest that fake, anatomically correct replicas of women designed solely for getting off are a new thing, which anyone who kept up with HBO’s Real Sex or Bud Bundy’s shenanigans in Married With Children knows not to be true.

But there’s some synthetic newness out there known as the Sexy Real Sex Dolls (don’t click that at work) that are serving as a thirst trap for some grown-ass black men. From what I can see, the main reason behind the appeal is that these dolls’ whole bodies can be customized for us. And by “us,” I mean that, unlike their predecessors (don’t click that at work either), they don’t have physical proportions that look like they were ripped from the Miley Cyrus School of Beauty.

 The Sexy Real Sex dolls are made from either thermoplastic rubber (TPE) or pricier silicone, and purchasers have the option to customize every curve and jiggle, to the tune of well over $2,000. Comedian Ryan Davis showed off one of these “thick” dolls in a viral video called Women are in trouble 2018.

These dolls are just the latest addition to the recent spate of bleeding-edge masturbatory machinery, which includes actual robot women – with “skin” draped over a metal endoskeleton – that can be programmed to “respond” to your touch and your voice with their own voices and vibrations. One industrious cat in England has a “try before you buy” setup (read: brothel) with these robots, where you can get it in for 50 Euros a pop. That there’s even a market for dudes interested in deep-dicking the Terminator blows my mind, but I’m convinced more than ever that you, or someone you know, would be willing to part with their hard-earned scratch for an experience with some literally manufactured ass.

(Imagine being the “john” who discovers that the dude responsible for cleaning the dolls between users was negligent in his duties. And you thought hotel bedbugs were bad.)

 Now, I’m a sex-positive, erotica-writing dude who frequently gripes about the dearth of sex toys for dudes; if women can have burlap sacks of TSA scanner-alerting goodies, why is it the Fleshlight is the only portable male device I know about without the help of Google? But these sex dolls are a silicone-encased bridge entirely too far, especially since niggas are musing over having them replace actual living, breathing human women.

I mean, really…you niggas need Jesus

 To me, masturbation has never been a full-blown replacement to sex, but always a distant second option when there’s no one available or if you just need to lick off a round in the interest of time sensitivity. But when you really step back and think about the psychological implications of having sex with an entire replica of a human body, it really is some Norman Bates, how-to-make-a-sociopath, Corey Richardson-type shit. Dildos are usually phallic, but very few women have ever said, “mmm…I really appreciate this piece of rubber/plastic/glass over an actual man.”

Sex dolls generally reduce women to their bodies, which I suppose is the point. But the very first thing that has drawn me to any woman since I was in diapers is her visage. Sure, we seem to have successfully demonstrated that recreating the body of Melyssa Ford circa 2004 is achievable, but even the most bleeding-edge technology could not mimic the combined facial beauty and expressiveness of a Yvonne Orji.

It gets even deeper – and creepier – when you consider that these dolls are expected to advance in technology to become more than just sex objects. From the Sexy Real Sex Dolls website: “Experts believe that relationships with sex dolls or love dolls will be more common in the next few years as robotics, virtual reality and computing will allow love dolls to think and act as humans.”

God help us all, maybe we are headed toward a Blade Runner future. But we’re nowhere near dolls having the artificial intelligence of a woman with actual skin cells and two parents, which means that any attempt to form an actual relationship with these inanimate objects right now is probably an indication of deeper-seated personal issues that should be examined.

Seriously, what does it say about one’s character if they want to “program” a relationship? What happens when you tire of all the moans and feedback of your robot sex doll? Do you sign into iTunes to download new ones? And if you are using a doll as a “starter” relationship in the hopes of graduating sigma cum laude to an actual woman, I recommend you store that shit in the toolshed or drown it in the creek once you start dating said woman, lest she go moving around in the middle of the night looking for a fresh toilet paper roll and she bumps into “Tina,” has a straight-up heart attack and proceeds to block your hapless ass from her phone and all social media and starts her search anew for a normal nigga.

Also, if you have two racks to blow on a fake girlfriend, I can create a never-ending list of things you can do with that to better yourself to get an actual woman. You know…one who might be so kind as to give you feedback about your day, offer you a shoulder rub from time to time or pick up some carry-out for you both on her way home from work.

Look, I realize there are male sex dolls geared toward women and gay men, but I think we can all agree the very concept of the sex doll was the brainchild of a man, and any suggestions that robots can replace real humans in relationships is the patriarchy at work, on some Handmaid’s Tale, Stepford Wives-type shit. No woman you know is considering getting out of the game with a silicone nigga with a serial number.

But maybe I’m hating. Maybe I’m just too lazy to put in any type of work for something I can’t have a conversation with after sex. Maybe something rubs me the wrong way about having to get out of bed after sex to fetch a warm towel for a…toy. Maybe I appreciate the fact that the Kleenex required to clean up any garden-variety male self-love experience has low overhead – a whole damn box costs way less than $2,000.

Do what you will with your coins as the eggheads find ever-more inventive ways to remove us from human physical interactions. But if I know you and I know you have one of these dolls, I promise I will revert to my seventh-grade self in relentlessly baking you. For a good approximation of what that would sound like, listen to Uncle Snoop.

 

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  1. Crystal February 8, 2018

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