I originally intended to wait on writing about this, but Blac Chyna forced my hand.
Chyna, former stripper, makeup entrepreneur, reality television “star” and baby mama to Tyga and Rob Kardashian – who are both likely somewhere right now locked an oil wrestling match battling for the mantle of the Wackest Nigga Drawing Breath – made news this week as the subject of a purportedly leaked sex tape.
Reactions to this tape have differed a bit from others before it, in that folks are less focused on the standard-fare sex tape questions (Was she cheating with another dude? Did she leak it herself? Is it more Rob Kardashian revenge porn?) and more on her actual performance in the clip. More specifically, Chyna’s delivery of F-grade, Gobi Desert-dry head to her partner.
I had zero interest in watching the tape when I first learned of it, but hearing just how bad the top was from a putative sex bomb of a woman piqued my curiosity. Sure enough, the rumors were true: the head was so lazy and tragic that I shed a tear in the memory of Vanessa Del Rio*. Her performance (which I won’t link to because I don’t wanna get sued) was the oral sex version of Fergie’s National Anthem at the NBA All-Star game. She gave him the I-really-don’t-wanna-be-doin’-this-but-we’re-married-and-it’s-your-birthday brains.
I understand that not all sexual partners are built the same – not everyone gets the best head, just like not everyone gets the Level 10 Afro Samurai Soul Pole – and I refuse to believe that Blac Chyna achieved the title of Kardashian Baby Incubator by being bad at giving head. If the dude in the video really was her ex-boyfriend, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was having an off day…or maybe she was about to cut dude loose and gave him some half-hearted breakup sex.
Just the same, it all made me think we need to have an in-depth conversation about oral sex in general. You guys are getting older, and it’s about that time.
Oral stimulation is an important aspect of the consummate sexual experience, period. If, in 2018, you’re out here actually fucking but saying, “I’m only doing that for my husband/wife” in regards to giving head, you should stay your ass at home and catch up on Orange is the New Black reruns instead of wasting everyone’s time. If you find out that you’re dating someone who is generally reluctant to give head to anyone, write their phone number on a piece of paper, fold it into an origami version of them, burn it in effigy and talk shit about them with your friends.
Chris Rock said 19 years ago that we shouldn’t deal with women who don’t give head at all, and that was back in the 1990s when it was still de rigueur for black women and black men to proudly proclaim that they don’t “do that shit.” That’s why I was so annoyed with that two-episode arc of Insecure featuring several grown-ass women speak about giving head like it’s attending jury duty, and Issa getting infuriated by a little baby batter in the eye. Like, 1996 called and wants its fucking plot lines back.
Fortunately, I haven’t encountered many sexual partners like that; I more often encounter women who treat giving head like switching shifts with their work buddy – they don’t wanna do it, but they will to please the person they care about. As an absurdly oral person for whom no body part is off limits (toes just recently made it off the no-fly-zone list), it’s hard for me to empathize with men and women who have to stare at genitals for a while to mentally psyche themselves to put their mouth on them when I’m willing to dive in like Greg Louganis.
Indeed, the best thing – and that which I wish for all of you – is to find a partner who loves going down. I first experienced what head should feel like back in 2007, when I dated a woman who literally spent money to take a class on the art of fellatio. A black woman who had a hardcover instructional book on the topic sitting on her kitchen table next to a bowl of kumquats. She truly enjoyed doing it and wanted to get better – she’s had very few peers since.
Women, find you a man who looks like he lost a fight with a band of mutant glazed cinnamon buns when he’s done going down on you. He should look like Venkman after battling Slimer in Ghostbusters. As with all things sex-related, head is not worth giving if you’re not enthusiastic about it. So, put your neck into it and there’s a good chance that you’ll be greeted with one of those body-quivering orgasms that’ll turn an atheist into Jerry Falwell (R.I.P.) and have your partner staring at you with goo-goo eyes for a week.
I’m thoroughly convinced that the tiny handful of people I’ve spoken to who don’t care much for head – or rank it significantly below actual sex – haven’t received it from people who have approached it with the aforementioned zeal and enthusiasm. There’s literally nothing bad about having an orgasm inside a warm, wet part of the body with suction capabilities, so I’m not entirely certain how someone could get really dope head and say it’s overrated.
I’m nothing if not here to help you reach your best mouth. So here are a few pointers so that you don’t wind up out here like Blac Chyna when your sex tape drops.
Leave the self-conscious shit at the foot of the bed. Some folks just don’t like having faces between their legs, though I’m sure that’s an insecurity that’s mostly attributable to women since scum-ass dudes will have the unmitigated gall to demand head whilst unwashed following a couple steamy shits and a gym session.
You should be clean anyway if you’re getting naked for any type of sex, so anything short of a period should not be a deterrent. I’ve found that women tend to be self-conscious about their hirsuteness as well – I’ve seen more fully-shaven poons in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s, so maybe I’m just getting old. But unless she looks like she has Chewbacca in a Figure 4 leglock, no self-respecting dude should avoid going downtown because of a bush that she’s supposed to fucking have. How you choose to keep the kitten is your own business, but if he insists on having you look like a pre-adolescent, curb his ass.
Use those mitts, baby. The most complete oral sex experience involves using your mouth and hands. Women, master the stroke-tongue techniques that, depending on the size of your partner’s wang, can range from fisting the handle of a baseball bat to thumb-and-index-fingering a cigarillo.
There’s a decent chance that your lady will appreciate it if you supplement your tongue gymnastics with a finger or two tapping on that famed G-spot, but it depends on the woman. No dude anywhere will say “hands off!” during head, but some women are totally okay with the elite tongue action. Emphasis on “elite.”
Watch those chompers. If sex is like pizza – even the worst gets the job done – head is like milk: if the shit is expired, you can damage yourself by consuming it. Teeth are the worst things I’ve ever experienced being dragged across my skin, and at least a fifth of my body is covered in tattoos. Toothy head is the work of the devil, but your partner won’t realize it unless you thump them on the top of the head and have a conversation. If you feel something, say something.
Swallowing is awesome, but not a requirement. I’ve never met the man who insisted his partner swallow, but it’s always a nice bonus when she cleans up and can jump into a conversation about Superstring theory two seconds later. Swallowing demonstrates the hottest commitment to the act. But, if your tolerance for consuming certain textures is set up a certain way, we get it: if you wouldn’t enjoy pudding as a snack, you probably don’t want a warm shot of protein trickling down your gullet.
Also, dudes should let their partner know when he’s about to come in their mouth. But once you learn your way around the mechanics of his peen, you can usually be able to discern when the geyser is getting ready to erupt and make a split-second decision about what to do with the gush.
Closed mouths make for barren genitals (in more ways than one): Being a hip-hop enthusiast made it difficult for me to ask a partner for head for a long time. So many years of listening to rappers craft reductive, misogynistic bars related to oral sex made me feel like I could never ask for it with any degree of tact that didn’t sound like, “suck my dick, bitch!” But, as with many of the best things in life, you won’t receive them if you don’t find a way to put that shit out in the universe.
Taking charge and going down first is a good way to get over that hump – if your partner is reticent, they might take a lead from your generosity and hop to it. Because, at the end of the day, everything involving sex is a matter of trust and comfort between two people, and if you prove yourself to be a trustworthy freak, you’ll likely get one in return.
One thing’s for sure: no one has time for arid balls or untongued clits. That’s no way to carry on in this life.
*Okay, Vanessa is still alive. But you get my point.